Capt Cons Breaks Down The Best Gossip Magazines Like A Real Man
Yesterday I caught the blog by Kmarko detailing Walmart’s decision to remove Cosmopolitan from the checkout aisles for being too sexy and classified as porn. I hate when I’m told what is socially acceptable for me to peruse while I spend over $100 on shit I most certainly don’t need. Nevertheless, I’m not touching that story with a 10-foot pole for fear I’ll say something insensitive and I just want to be liked. However, Cosmopolitan reminds me of Iraq. How you ask? Walk with me.
One evening just after dusk I was walking out of our TOC (Tactical Operations Center) with my First Sergeant, Top Byrd (Top is an approved nickname for a First Sergeant in the Army). There was a nearby blast but neither of us was moved because blasts tend to happen in Iraq and also we knew it was outgoing fire from one of our cannons. However, there was a Soldier in a port-a-pooper who was new to country and not familiar with these blasts who sprung to life sprinting from the shitter, britches nearly at his ankles, clutching a Cosmo.
“Whoa whoa whoa, settle down there high speed, it’s outgoing” Top Byrd exclaimed as the shitting Soldier caught his breath and grasped those britches. “You clearing your rifle in there?” Top asked in jest looking at the women’s magazine (“clearing your rifle” is a euphemism for tuggin one, buddy).
The startled Soldier explained, “No, First Sergeant. No, no, no. NO! My wife sent it because she knows I like the articles.” WINK! Now, what most folks don’t realize, especially back in 2008, is that Soldiers don’t always readily have access to various forms of entertainment so we make due with whatever is sent to us. This includes Cosmo, so don’t judge!
Two of the most popular magazines for guys and gals downrange are People and US Weekly that wives and girlfriends are done with. It is a great escape from the stresses of war and who among us doesn’t enjoy seeing that Blake Lively wore her Chanel houndstooth jumpsuit better than Jessica Simpson by a score of 83% to 17% because it’s Blake Lively, duh. Personally, I enjoy the crossword in People but find US Weekly more entertaining but those mags are like pizza, it’s all good.
So what did we learn today? TOC, Top, clearing your rifle, and Soldiers really enjoy trash mags. If you don’t believe me, just ask Chaps. He’ll hate to agree with an officer but he’ll back me up.
If you have some extra magazines lying around, why don’t you send them downrange instead of tossing them? Or if you just want to send a package to some Soldiers in need, here’s an address for a unit who is on a very remote outpost in Afghanistan who could use the help.
MAJ James Tenner
TF Lumberjack
HHC 20th EN BN
BAF
APO AE 09354